“Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless.” ~Dave G. Llewellyn
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone told you something deeply personal and traumatic and you were stuck on what to say to them, how to act, and how to behave?
This happens to me regularly, and it’s not that I don’t have feelings or emotions about what’s happened to the person. I feel deeply sorry for them. But I sometimes freeze and don’t know what to say or do.
When it comes to mental health issues, this can be even harder to broach. And I say that with a severe amount of irony because I have mental health issues myself. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2017.
Sometimes, when we have experience with things, knowing what to say or do can still be difficult.
Nevertheless, I want to share a few things I’ve learned from how people have treated me and how I’ve chosen to treat people.
Hopefully, after reading this, you won’t find yourself acting awkward when someone opens up to you about what they’re going through!
This generally applies to people you view as friends—people who would open up to you and be willing to share what’s happening inside their heads.
So, I guess a theme or mantra we can keep in mind would be, “A true friend shows care and concern whenever possible and, in fact, is a brother or sister who is born for times of distress.”
What does this mean?
Well, we ourselves can be overwhelmed when a friend is suffering from mental distress. We don’t know what to say. We don’t know what to do. Of course, we feel bad for them. Perhaps we even empathize with them.
But what’s more important is the fact that we show how much we care by trying to help them cope with what they’re going through.
How do we do that? My first tip is to listen when they want to talk.
You don’t have to respond to everything they say, but you should acknowledge what they say to show you’re fully listening. It could be just a gentle “aha” or an eyebrow raise.
Remember to remain compassionate as well. Don’t jump to conclusions; keep an open mind and avoid judgment.
When someone opens up to you, maybe they’re doing it for the first time and not thinking about how it sounds. They’ll probably say things that they don’t mean and might later regret. Just be a good friend and listen.
And if you disagree with something they say, sometimes it’s best to say nothing.
The next pointer I have for you is that when you decide to speak (when you think it’s necessary to respond), remember to speak in a way that consoles them.
Bear in mind that your friend, family member, whoever it is, they’re probably anxious, and if they’re dealing with mental health issues, they likely feel some worthlessness as well.
So, with your kind words, you can reassure them that you care, comfort them, and encourage them, even if you don’t know the ‘right’ things to say.
Your words might sound a bit muddled, but that doesn’t matter; if your tone reflects warmth and kindness, your friend will pick up on that. They’ll understand that you’re there to care for them and that you’re doing your best.
Something else to consider is making an offer to help practically.
Don’t assume you know what your friend needs. Instead, ask how you can help.
If your friend is struggling to express what they need, you could suggest something practical that you could do for them.
You could do some chores around the house for them, go food shopping for them, clean up for them, or do something else that you know they need. You could also just offer to walk with them to get them outside, which might lift their spirits.
Remember that sometimes, it’s not just what you say or how you say it; it’s the things you do that show you care.
Maybe, like me, you’re not the best with words, but your actions can show that you care about your friend and want to help them.
The final piece of advice that I have for you is to be patient.
You might be ready to talk and offer sage and sound advice, but maybe your friend isn’t ready to hear it.
If that happens, just remind your friend or reassure them that you’ll listen when they are ready to talk, and you don’t need to offer any advice at all if they just want an ear.
Don’t take it personally if your friend says or does things that upset or hurt you. They might cancel plans with you or become irritable. Remember to be patient and understanding, because this is how you ultimately offer the support they need.
And if they cancel on you, know that it doesn’t reflect badly on you. It’s a reflection of where they are at the current time.
So remember: Be quick to listen, speak consolingly, offer practical help, and be patient.
This winning combination offers the most benefit to you and your friend.
Well done for wanting to help your friend out; dealing with mental health challenges isn’t easy, but having someone to talk to is so important.
About Sean Walsh
Sean is thirty-five and lives in Donegal, Ireland, with his beautiful wife. He is a consultant and runs his own website, mentalhealthness.com, which is related to mental health and wellness. You can also check out his Facebook grouphere.
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